


Medicine

by sunflow_rs



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, First War with Voldemort, Hogwarts, I am sorry for this, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Post-Hogwarts, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Ending, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:00:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22542160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflow_rs/pseuds/sunflow_rs
Summary: Set to the lyrics of Tom Speight's song 'Medicine', Sirius Black and Remus Lupin fall in love and battle with grief.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Medicine

**Author's Note:**

> Listen to Tom Speight's song 'Medicine' for the full experience of reading this! Please enjoy!

_// You’ve got eyes that shine  
Brighter than the stars  
Shooting holes in the things that I know //_

The first thing Remus Lupin noticed about Sirius Black were his eyes. The cold grey that seemed harsh and angry despite being surrounded by the colour and bustle of the Hogwarts Express. Eyes that had, like Remus’, already seen enough and been through too much tragedy to ever be properly happy again. Despite this wrath at the world, the boy’s eyes shone with a depth that Remus wanted to discover and introduce himself too. They glinted as if they knew the answer to his life problems, as if they were stars; omnipresent and beautiful. 

When Remus found out this mysterious boy’s name he thought it was only fitting for him to be named after the brightest star.

_// You got tears and lies  
From the corner of your eyes  
Run your hands down the back of my spine //_

Sirius, despite his punk-rock toughness and the toxic masculinity that his family had beaten into him, cried often. His eyes became stormy seas filled with tears while reading the letters sealed with the Black family crest in green wax. His lips said “I’m fine” but his eyes spoke otherwise, and Remus could always tell. 

Remus could always tell because he was the same. He would lie through his teeth, determined that he was okay despite the new cuts littering his fragile and skinny body. While this sometimes convinced James and Peter, Sirius stayed and held the boy. 

For them both their shared grief of different tragedies provided a feeling of home and safety.

_// Be my medicine  
When it's so hard to breathe  
Be my weekend  
When I'm tearing at the seams //_

After running away from home Sirius’ panic attacks became worse. He would shake uncontrollably and his eyes would well up without warning, spilling salt and water, anger and loss. His ribs rattled and stomach hurt as he heaved and struggled to breath, the world blurring around its edges and life slowly losing its colour. Remus was there, holding his hands and kissing his knuckles. Telling him that his family didn’t deserve him and that the marauders were his family now, he was his family now. There were spells, Remus would remind him, that could make his anxiety better and could help calm his panic attacks if the other boy wasn’t there to help him breath.

The dark and raised scars up his arms, legs, chest and face reminded Remus of a monster. They served as a mnemonic to the moon and its affect on him, of what he became. Sometimes Remus wished he could tear himself apart and rip out the beastly parts, the infection. Other times Remus believed he could, and would sit surrounded by cold tiles and metallic blood, looking at new scars made by human blades rather than werewolf claws. Sirius would be there to bandage the boy up, kiss his arms and make Remus promise to stop. 

Together they felt they overcome anything, including themselves.

_// And even though the cut runs deep  
And I'm so hard to please  
Just a four letter word  
And I'm nothing without you //_

Sirius believed love was an economic proposition, an archaic tradition performed by the upper class to connect their families for wealth. His parents conformed to it and took out their unhappiness and loveless marriage on their children. Beyond the monetary transaction properties, Sirius didn’t believe in love. Or so he told himself to lessen the pain of being disowned by the ones who should have loved him the most. 

The scars that had disfigured Remus’ face since the age of six had made the boy believe that he was then rendered incapable of being loved. He looked at his parents and their happiness and believed that no one would look at him the way his father did his mother.

At the end of sixth year their beliefs were proven wrong and their lips were pressed together.

_// You’ve got a smile on your face  
As you turn and walk away  
Watch the night as it breaks into the day //_

When Remus smiled his teeth would show, slightly crooked and endearingly so. His mouth curved upwards and his scars would pull tighter, eyes glistening because, despite everything, he was happy. Being a generally serious and somber person, Sirius learned to cherish these smiles and would feel accomplished whenever he was the meaning or facilitator of one.

Sirius smiled all the time and at everyone. His charismatic and charming nature become the bane of the Hogwarts’ professors and the weakness of many of its students, females and males alike. His tousled hair, leather jacket and suave demeanour hid his sadness and Remus learned that the ever-increasing smiles that actually reached Sirius’ moody eyes were the ones that mattered and meant the most.

Their sadness over their pasts were being gradually overcome and light was shining through like a new day.

_// You’ve got so much to give  
But you're terrified to try  
There's no answer and reasoning why //_

Seventh year seemed like a waste to Sirius, who would watch the likes of Remus and Lily study hard but achieve no necessary skills for surviving the current wizarding war. Remus watched Sirius’ potential and effort simultaneously disappear with each passing day, and instead his anger and need to be a martyr grew. He claimed that not doing homework or flunking tests was “punk-rock”, to which Remus asked if depression was punk rock. Sirius faltered and Remus just kissed him and told him it was okay to be afraid of what the future would bring. 

The war would bring more losses to grieve, but if they were together they knew they could overcome it.

_// Be my medicine  
When it's so hard to breathe  
Be my weekend  
When I'm tearing at the seams //_

Sirius’ panic attacks were no longer helped by a paper bag or fancy charms, but by counter-curses and stopping death eaters. Marlene McKinnon and her entire family slaughtered, Dorcas Meadowes, Fabian and Gideon Prewett… All he could hope for was that Remus didn’t become one of the dead, and that James, Lily and Peter were safe at the end of the war too. 

Remus went undercover for the Order as one of Voldemort’s werewolf allies, being separated from the light side of the war and his lover for months. Everyday he felt trapped by the moon and his own inability to predict the future. All that got him through seeing Fenrir Greyback everyday and pretending to follow Voldemort, was the thought of Sirius waiting for him at home.

They hoped for each other and hoped it would be enough.

_// And even though the cut runs deep  
And I'm so hard to please  
Just a four letter word  
And I'm nothing without you //_

Sirius’ last conversation with his brother had involved shouting and hexes, accompanied by swear words and name-calling. His brother was missing and so was a part of his heart, which felt strained and heavy in his chest. His hate towards Voldemort and the war was becoming stronger than his want for living and loving, and Remus was scared. 

Being undercover had brought up memories of a door squeaking open, claws raking his face and a gag preventing him from screaming. Sheets soaked with blood and fur and semen. Memories that felt impossible to return from, that created walls against intimacy with Sirius and meant a relapse and new scars.

They said how much they loved each other every moment they got.

_// If you ever stumble, if you ever fall  
Just hold on to me //_

The days of the war crowded into one and the blinding lights and flashing of wands was too much. The missing persons and wanted posters, the smell and coldness of death and the confusion from muggles. The numbers in the Order decreased and everyone knew there was a traitor, but no one knew who.

Sirius and Remus held each other closer with every night they were still alive.

_// Be my medicine //_

The defeat of Lord Voldemort came at the expense of two best friends and their possibility of having a happy and complete family. Remus felt the devastation through to his bones. 

He wanted Sirius to hold and cry with, to grieve and be comforted by the fact they had each other.

_// Just a four letter word  
And I'm nothing without you //_

Betrayal. Twelve muggles dead and a finger. Alone with anger and torment. Could he have done more, or stopped him? The rising anger in Sirius in the last days of the war struck under Remus’ ribs like a knife, twisting and torturing.

Remus thought the grief of three friends was painful, but grieving your lover when they had killed them was a stabbing heartbreak and complete purgatory.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for such a sad one... Let me know your thoughts and leave kudos if you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and again I am sorry <3


End file.
